dec blog

well, here i am agn....just got to blogging now...
the running shoes... my dogs ran away with it so that is that...
this month has bn interesting..with extreme swings of fate....n with it my optimism and pessimism levels...

well, this yr has bn a year of change, growth and strengthening...a lot of things in my life have changed n so hv i...i hope fr the better....
lots is happening, i am absolutely clue less..

frnds - well, they r now no.s in my phone bk...coz no one is ever there any more.... hmm....lessons lessons...everywhere!!!!

well, i am going to try to spend some quality time with myself.. n tk it from there :-)
is all for now...

mon-15 nov

so its monday, here's the update: went fr the meetings on last to last fri... got the work frm 1 and got selected in the other.... its lots of hard work and lil pay..but i guess when 1 doesnt have an option... as they say, beggards cant be choosers!!!! hv bn in office now for 12 hours..tired... am feeling a lil low....will probably go fr a smoke now...mayb will feel better then!...so much so for my plans to quit ...well atleast i have managed to really reduce it!!! well, have been meaning to lots of things.. as usual not managed much of anything except for crisis stuff....i am becoming a fire fighter..cant say its a good thing!!! am planning to go off on a 1-month long holiday in April and re-evaluate myself and my life.... now i am thinking i need to take a holiday and get away asap..tho' what and where i dunno kno!! will try and blog more often...got to start some hobby. got to sleep less and find more time!!!!

Today is the day!!!!

well, its fri morning, today i am going to be soo busy..... i finally got arnd to speaking to some ppl.. so today i have 2 meetings.. lets see how it goes..i am very VERY hopeful... i am going to give it my best shoot.. i am also wearing my pretty green suit just so that i look nice :--) I need these to work out.... and i hope that they will.... have to send the prop's on mon... so weekend is busy too.... oh god, these 3 days r going to b soo busy.... i haveot go fr these 2 meetings send the props by mon so i better work on them this weekend complete the numy report... that alone is going to take me 7-8 hours !!!!! n oh, my book club meeting!!!!! n... there is a party this sunday too.... well, ohhh... i dont kno how i am going to do all this!!!! but i guess its good atleast i am going to be busy.... :-) :-) :) :)

1-Nov-04

hm...here's another blog.. it/s the 1st of november.. a new month.. i cant belv how the year is almost up!!! well, i came across 1 of my notebooks ... it spoke abt my TO DO list and my dreams... turns out where i was in march 2004 is where i am today as well!!!! pretty idiotic if u ask me!!! well, the new friendships are not working out the way i would like them too... but lets see what happens!!! i still have a lil hope.. well, as far as my findg etc is concerned well.... nothing on the web..and tho' i hv some no.s hvnt got arnd to calling them up n cheking em out. its amazing, but frm all quarters the same msg seems to b coming across... STUDy..STUDY... well so i am going to do my homework and definitely start something soon....!!!!! well, everyone suggested i hunt online... but i cant find anything that fits my needs...hmm......probably the newspaper might work out... what else.... oh yeah.... the good stuff:::: i am ready to move on frm this workplace..i am no longer emotionally attached... well it is lesstening!!!! i bought these amazing books...1 which was way too interesting and this other 1 that i have bn looking for for ages n ages now... feels great to finally have bought them ... though...i have already overshoot by budget fr this mnth!!!! i bought a pair of walking shoes... so, now i will hopefully walk atleast a few times a week!!!!! i have finally given to CRY for a kid... i hv bn wanting to help out fr soo long.. .n well its good that finally i have bn able to give too..... Aha......n now the resolutions for NOVEMBER: No smoking No drinking going to try n bring exercise into my routine thats abt it fr the 1st day of the mnth... lets see how it shapes up......

BzzzZZzz

i am sooo TIREd.... of GOd...i dont kno why.. may b its the graveyard shift...i am feeling sooo SLEEPY! hmm...lots of ideas just buzzing in my head... BzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzz hmm...i got to GET UP and TAKE ACTION .... i got to do something and PULL myself OUT of this daldal!!! i dont kno y but enuf is enough..... UFffff... well... lets do some r& d now n see what can b done!

fri morning - blogin after long!

Hi... blogging after a long time... everyday i think of blogging but then i dont coz i dont really have anything to say... my mind has just been void.... no emotions per se... just am not really sure.. past couple of days has been a blur! well, the GOOD thing - i have finished 'The Da Vinci Code'... amazing book.. after a really long time i read something i cldnt put down..i just had to keep going back to it! well, next i dont know what i will read... but it sure has made me realise how very little i do know about a lot of things....:-( well, LIFe is still the same.. ni change ... no improvements..... ALL my friends are playing up.. i guess its what they say, when u change, your old friends dont relate to you anymore and thus dont know how to handle you...etc etc.... net, it saddens me that my friends are behaving like this.... n i realise that probably thru this transit when i move forward i shall be alone.. and that at some level does sadden me :( well, somedays, like these days, it is blaringly clear how stark my life is, how alone i am... i dont know why these lessons are happening... but i am afraid of never coming out of this... will i ever come out of this? will my dreams ever be a reality or will i always just dream????? this melancholy seems to be my abode permanently..... hmm....... dont know what to do.. dont know the way out.... dont know much.... right now, dont know anything!!!!! cheers/I

wednesday- end of shift!

well,end ti another looong day... i have been in office now for 13 hours and it will be another 1/2 hour before i leave.... hmm... i am really tired... but i am feeling good... got tons of work accomplished today... my new subset campaign went live SMOOTHLY... thank god and touch wood for that.... :-) well, since today is wednesday nite, i am gonna go home n watch a good 2 hours of TV.... yea.... coz my favourite programs are coming today... its amazing but i soo totally love these 2 prgs n they actually have the power to make me smile and feel better!!!!! i wonder whether this is TV dependancy??? heeheeeeeeheeee.... so stupid... as 1 of my new frnds calls me when i do silly things..."silly goose"...i just find it sooo cute that i dont even feel affronted leave alone telling her to behave!!!!! bought some stuff from prayas today... not that i really have the money, but its all for a good coz, n anyways if the money wld have stayed with me i wld have spent on something stupid like drinknig more colas......but i sooo totally LOVE the stuff i bought...... 2 neem bark pencils, a lil pouch and a pretty notebook made of handmade paper.....i have christened it as my "DREAM BOOK"... coz i think it is time i gave my dreams the importance they deserve... and perhaps, finally i will spend some quality and quantity time positively visualizing about my dreams and their reality in the future.............................................. well....good nite.... n to a wonderful trow!!!!

monday...AGAIN!!!

well, another week begins... it is pretty unbeleivable that october has also began.... this year is actually just slipping through my fingers!!!! well, have not been sticking to my diet!!! the ONLY HEALTHY thing i have been doing is drinking a glass of fresh juice everyday... i dont know how i am going to EVER lose any weight... hmm.... i think i need to start blogging the good stuff ...however minute happening everyday too..... well today, i got lots of compliments on my new haircut :-)...i think its totally changed my look.... hmm...interesting...i think i am looking good too :-) anthr good thing...FINALLY, all the september reports have been made n sent!!!! so, now i can start focusing on October and what all needs to be done!!! what i still need to do::: my PPDP..... i dont kno y i am postponing it... !! i now some time ago i was not in an emotional state to handle it.... but NOW??? now i dont know y i am still not completing it...!!!! what else, i am still alone.... and lonely.... all my friends are real busy... and no one is waiting in the wings for me either..... see what i cant figure out is... what is my life supposed to be ??? i mean i wish i could just find some PEACE with my LIFE..The way it is right now... instead of always wanting that better life or even that other life which i know is not mine.....i dont know what is my life going to me!!! I had thought that this week i will NOT stay back at work... but i just cant seem to help it... n the sad thing is all my frnds are in the other shift, so they leave by 10pm...i am the only idiot who keeps sitting ..... ok... so i work a lil, blog a lil..n by then its time to go home anyways... not much value add here.... but yeah, i guess atleast i get to BLOG.... i mean i kno y i dont want to go bk home... but i wish it wasnt so.... i wish i had a better control over myself and i was able to be OKAY with my solitude..... hmm.... this is tiring...i think i will go now... go have a ciggy n then go on home....

roller coaster

well... i continue to be on a roller coaster.... there just doesnt seem to be any stopping leave along an option to get off!!!! hmm.... i am just soo tired... of knowing that something is no more in me.... sometimes in my interactions with ppl i see certain things come out of my mouth...that i am SHOCKED to hear...i mean its like there is this stuff which is just simmering beneath the surface, and sometimes..... well, a lot of times in the last 2-3 days.... just spouts out of my mouth before i can even begin to control it..... this is sooo sad.... i miss my frnds... DEBS.... having her arnd..i think was grounding me.... n now i am just feeling nuts.... :-( well, i think i got to just start meditating BEFORE i seriously do go crazy..... i got a reply frm the bk club lady, asking me stuff...i sent a reply....still awaiting the her reply... did she decide to not invite me? coz i think i just got a lil carried away in my mail...rambling on n on abt books!!! well.... this is my life these days... totally messed up... n no i am not loving it.... IF ONLY... probably the WORST 2 words 1 can ever start thinking about in conjunction with one's life or oneself!!!!!

:-(

well, after everything, all that life has made me go through..i am still an emotional yo-yo..... sooo damn PATHETIC.... n getting carried away...some cute guy.. n u r like aha... n then what... nothin... nada.... n u feel so damn silly, i mean its not like i am in school that i am having silly crushes..... ohhh..... damn n bul sht.... well, i am hopefully gonna pull out with atleast my esteem intact!!!! but, i feel pretty silly, y... probably just my way of feeling... just feeling.. like a human being... like mayb someone might want me too... but this is sooo silly, i dont even kno him n well, i dont want to get into anything.... n anyways i just wanna b free...n JUST BE... FLY for some time..... my life is MINE.... i lost that somewhere along the line and now it is time to FIND it again... spend some time - both quality and quantity with myself.... afterall, i need to know myself... understand and through that understanding CONTROL MYSELF!!!! These days i often find myself looking up to my friend debs... she has her own share of shit, but through it all she doesnt lose sight of who she is, what she is... .she knows what she can live with and what will make her unhappy, so where she can make a choice she makes the choices that are BEST for her..... when, will be sooo sensible and smart n in command of myself????? CRAZY --- thats how i feel, and its sooo SCARY..... DIRECTIONLESS is not something i want to be.... some good times are up ahead --- i am sure, well atleast its what i gotta tell myself if i have to get through life..... but, sometimes i seriously wonder what is this life about? lessons/ hurt/ what???? well, so anyways, those good times are in the future.. but it is the present i am battling with.... what is going on? i cant seem to get a grip and settle ...... i dont know what is all this chaos supposed to achieve in my life? what great things will come of it??? y is wanting a simple life - a peaceful life sooo difficult???? i mean now i dont kno if i want the traditional stuff in life!!! i came across this in a mail...i think it makes sense... perhaps i should meditate on it!!! If you look at what you do not have in life, you don't have anything, If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.

y is my 100% not enuf? y is it that i have soo many painful lessons to learn? when will i get a break.. is my life only abt pay back....just when i was beginning to trust that life had changed.. that better times where nearly on my doorstep..... a tornado came n broke my life apart........... life was about pain it was filled with tears & then you came along and gave me hope i thought we were meant to be i thought it was forever you showed me what it was like to share share a part of oneself share a part of ones heart you showed me how special we were you gave me hope you made me trust again.... well, i guess life is about slaps, knocks and then standing up again, slipping and falling with a thud on the wet ground below and look up at the open skies throught the torn roof of my house, with the rain streaming down my face, and looking for some sign of GOD in the skies above, perhaps behind one cloud or another?

HOw many more years will i suffer? the tears of my soul are drying up now, and then what?

workaholic-nope, not me

well, i dont think i am a workaholic.. for many days i toyed with the idea that the kind of hours i am putting in might b coz of this... but well the reasons are instead personal, and i guess if you think abt it.. its shameful, i am being like a child... running away, hiding from the reality of my personal life.... but, till when can i run?... the imbalance is within me even now, for a few days i had forgotten, but the truth is u can bury feelings.. but they dont just go away on their own... u hv to face them, deal with them... n i guess then the balance i seek, the peace i need i will find within! i have heard from numerous sources, that writing/ journaling (n so i guess it naturally extends to blogging) is a GOOD TOOL to deal with LIFE ..work through things and HEAL.... well, i am still waiting!!! well, this is it fr right now.... lets see if later tonite i feel like blogging some more... my hands are hurtung agn... i dnt kno what is wrong with them!!!! well, i been thinking a lot as usual.... thats all i seem to DO anyway... its not like i am achieving much in life.... i wish that things get better now... i would really like to live a good, decent life now.... well, GOD are you listening??? i hope so....

List-26 sept!

ok....just lost the whole blog i wrote coz the power just went!!! so i doubt i am going to re-write as well as i had done earlier, but the point is, i have been thinking of things, n never get arnd to do it coz either i forgot or i simply dont have the time!!!!
so, i hope by putting it down, i will hopefuly get things done....

i think i just need to accept that i only have time to spare in the weekend, so perhaps i should not set expectations of myself to do stuff during the week when i dont hv the time or energy to do so.... i am just setting myself up to feel bad..so, WILL STOP SETTING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION FOR MYSELF - n this is point 1!!!!

* being realistic and setting goals accordingly
* gotta start drinking more water
*lose weight - there i have said it, now i gotta do something abt it!
* follow up and COMPLETE the prg i have signed up fr, fr wt loss!
*come up with some exercise plan i can follow without cheating on it!!!
*Join a bk club - hv sent request, lets see whether i get invited - if yes, GREAT, if not, gotta sign up fr an online club - + share this idea with debs
*start carrying my camera arnd agn.....
{the other day, at work, saw this beautiful sight, a butterfly resting on the white wall, with the sunlight falling on her through the glass window and a potted plant underneath her.... it was breathtakingly beautiful in its simplicity... and i could not capture it coz i wasnt carrying my camera...a definite regret :-( .....}
*read the unofficial biography of Madonna.... been a little slow with it in the past.... so, gotta got on with it....n not lose the thread... otherwise will have to read it all over agn!

hmm... .this is the LIST for now.... looks long but its real simple stuff... lets see what i manage to do though!!!

john denver + blah....a lot

John Denver - timeless good music... it occured to me tonite, while i was listening to 'Annie's song' - i have heard this song millions of times in the last few (2-3) years and it still has something special about it... it touches somewhere soo deep inside of me... i guess i had forgotten in all the running around my crazy life has become that there is such a thing as 'Beautiful' music.... it makes me want to be a poet again...and write some :-) now, thats ironical, Poetry writing has always been difficult for me.... n well, guess its like what my professor told me, my writing is too 'sylvia plath'...heheeee.. not that i am as good..but in terms of that it is very biographical... probably thats why writing - prose or verse is something which is a close held secret..something i am afraid of putting down for fear of another reading it and well.... i guess however chirpy i may be i have another layer to my personality which is quieter, and private..... actually, i like the duality of my nature... many people judge and presume people .. but i personally find it fascinating how opposite traits can and usually do integrate inside a person to create that UNIQUE mix called and known as YOU!!!! well, i wonder what life has in store, i have swung wildly in my approach... from being one who used to plan well in to the future by day-dreaming (offcourse) and to now, when life has put me in a place where i am taking it literally 1 day at a time.... n i am not living in the moment and being spiritual... but more my emotions and my brain - neither can handle more than 1 day at a time...well, as they say, FULL CIRCLE - i am pretty much back to where i was.... and the only difference is that i am older... more mature - i hope so, a little more battle worn - definitely.... direction less - yep... and i guess hurting a little too.. i guess when u build too many dreams on the basis of 1 factor in life..and then that factor changes............. and it changes your life and i guess a little YOU as well forever. well, I know that though i am on Square one.. i am definitely stronger for it..... and this is what i need to remember, LIFE is ALL about LESSONS.... accept, learn and move on :-) {if only, it was that easy}. but, ya, now i KNOW MYSELF better......and that is sooo IMPORTANT...now i hope to give myself and my life a CHANCE... something which i think i deserve........ phew.... that's a lot of blogging for one time...........but i think it makes some sense!!!! well, another weekend already, i still remember last fri when i blogged..... well, axn plan fr this weekend is also pretty much the same: sleep, complete project, n this time catch a movie.. probably go for 'bourne supremacy' - the 1st part was good.. so hopefully so will this be! until tomorrow............. when hopefully i will Blog some more :-)

Twenty to Go. - another nice blog

Twenty to Go.

as i promised myself, wld take out some time to BLOG this week.... well, status over weekend - work done, sleep caught up, no good stuff on TV .... I have been thinking, when all this is over, probably by around march 2005... then i will go on vacation - a 1 FULL month vacation... maybe even quit my job n just hang in the air.. direction less n see where my thoughts and life..or is it destiny, takes me.... so, to take this vacation thought further, i am thinking, mayb i can finally follow my dream of going to Sikkim and visit the monastries.... i just need to do some reaearch on google and get my facts straight n then plan...... n hopefully, by march 2005 - financial restraints will not be so restraining!!! heheeeheeee, and so i can go for a HOLIDAY!!!! ah, and my comp.. its ok, though working on the net was difficult... will need to get the comp chkd up or something,,,, until then will have to rely on my lovely comp at work!!!! gtg now, back to work, my team is waiting for me......... later....

well, just been working real hard this week.... real long hours...i think its finally caught up, been meaning to BLOG all week... but have not got around to it... even now, i am writing coz i must else i know it will bug me... maybe over the weekend i will log on n blog some more while enjoying some java :-) well, looking forward to the weekend... finally have my very own comp... waited real long for this one.. its not top of the line, but it will serve my needs very nicely :-) will BLOG more going forwards....................i HOPE! so, AXN plan for the weekend: - Work on the outstanding projects this weekend - catch up on my sleep (this is priority!) - hopefully catch some good stuff on TV!!!! *** well lets see what is the status on monday!!!**********

Melly

everydayjae

everydayjae

Lost in the woods

Lost, soo lost. it's like being in the woods, without a clue as to which way is north, where u r standing or where you want to go! leave alone where life is pushing you!!!

Life is about pain and i have felt that very deeply... guess i dont need age to have depth of feeling... sometimes i can feel my very soul crying... !!!!

Growing up

I am growing up, i can feel myself changing... this is something i am truly grateful for:
1 - the ability to change
2- the ability to be conscious of changes and my own rhythms
i dont know what my gifts are, but i feel my truth coming to the fore, i feel that 1 of these days i am going to come face to face with myself....
i think along the way i forgot myself, and my core being - perhaps thats why life gave me 2 tight slaps, to bring me back - connect with myself - to stop lying to myself that i can adjust with any life.. for the fact is - I AM WHO AND WHAT I AM -and i have my DREAMS and i am not apologetic for it, and i dont think i am going to give up so damn easy on them.. i dont think life is about bending over, being flexible - ya sure, but not letting the world or even those close to you walk all over you!!!!
well... i think i am going through a transition period - it is difficult but i find my sight becoming clearer....

well.. until more revelations, and changes in perspectives... .god speed to me :-)

Saturday

hmmm... saturday... supposedly for the young at heart.. to enjoy a day off... n where am i ?? ?at work off course.. my life seems to be passing me by while i sit in the office and work n work to meet deadlines... :-(

To think I, the smart n strong woman would find myself in a place like this in life.. is so unbeleivable, not even in my wildest dreams or worst case scenario thoughts, did i see this coming!!!!
well, as they say, Life is about the unexpected, its about the lessons.. its about KARMA!!!!

DAY 1

Hello BLOG.... my very own BLOG... WOW... I can feel this is going to be GREAT FUN!!!!

LOVE the PINK.. it's Hope, cheer, strawberry ice cream, candy, it's innocent joy....... this is what i want in my life!!!! this is what i love about color.. it is so full of expression - no words, no sounds..just Color.....