Thursday, September 30, 2004


well, after everything, all that life has made me go through..i am still an emotional yo-yo..... sooo damn PATHETIC.... n getting carried away...some cute guy.. n u r like aha... n then what... nothin... nada.... n u feel so damn silly, i mean its not like i am in school that i am having silly crushes..... ohhh..... damn n bul sht....

well, i am hopefully gonna pull out with atleast my esteem intact!!!!
but, i feel pretty silly, y... probably just my way of feeling... just feeling.. like a human being... like mayb someone might want me too... but this is sooo silly, i dont even kno him n well, i dont want to get into anything.... n anyways i just wanna b free...n JUST BE... FLY for some time.....

my life is MINE.... i lost that somewhere along the line and now it is time to FIND it again... spend some time - both quality and quantity with myself.... afterall, i need to know myself... understand and through that understanding CONTROL MYSELF!!!!

These days i often find myself looking up to my friend debs... she has her own share of shit, but through it all she doesnt lose sight of who she is, what she is... .she knows what she can live with and what will make her unhappy, so where she can make a choice she makes the choices that are BEST for her.....
when, will be sooo sensible and smart n in command of myself?????

CRAZY --- thats how i feel, and its sooo SCARY..... DIRECTIONLESS is not something i want to be.... some good times are up ahead --- i am sure, well atleast its what i gotta tell myself if i have to get through life..... but, sometimes i seriously wonder what is this life about? lessons/ hurt/ what????

well, so anyways, those good times are in the future.. but it is the present i am battling with.... what is going on? i cant seem to get a grip and settle ...... i dont know what is all this chaos supposed to achieve in my life? what great things will come of it???

y is wanting a simple life - a peaceful life sooo difficult????

i mean now i dont kno if i want the traditional stuff in life!!!

i came across this in a mail...i think it makes sense... perhaps i should meditate on it!!!

If you look at what you do not have in life, you don't have anything, If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.

Monday, September 27, 2004

y is my 100% not enuf? y is it that i have soo many painful lessons to learn? when will i get a break.. is my life only abt pay back....just when i was beginning to trust that life had changed.. that better times where nearly on my doorstep..... a tornado came n broke my life apart...........

life was about pain
it was filled with tears
& then you came along and gave me hope
i thought we were meant to be
i thought it was forever
you showed me what it was like to share
share a part of oneself
share a part of ones heart
you showed me how special we were
you gave me hope
you made me trust again....

well, i guess life is about slaps, knocks and then standing up again, slipping and falling with a thud on the wet ground below and look up at the open skies throught the torn roof of my house, with the rain streaming down my face, and looking for some sign of GOD in the skies above, perhaps behind one cloud or another?

HOw many more years will i suffer? the tears of my soul are drying up now, and then what?

workaholic-nope, not me

well, i dont think i am a workaholic.. for many days i toyed with the idea that the kind of hours i am putting in might b coz of this... but well the reasons are instead personal, and i guess if you think abt it.. its shameful, i am being like a child... running away, hiding from the reality of my personal life.... but, till when can i run?...

the imbalance is within me even now, for a few days i had forgotten, but the truth is u can bury feelings.. but they dont just go away on their own... u hv to face them, deal with them... n i guess then the balance i seek, the peace i need i will find within!

i have heard from numerous sources, that writing/ journaling (n so i guess it naturally extends to blogging) is a GOOD TOOL to deal with LIFE through things and HEAL.... well, i am still waiting!!!

well, this is it fr right now.... lets see if later tonite i feel like blogging some more... my hands are hurtung agn... i dnt kno what is wrong with them!!!!

well, i been thinking a lot as usual.... thats all i seem to DO anyway... its not like i am achieving much in life.... i wish that things get better now... i would really like to live a good, decent life now.... well, GOD are you listening??? i hope so....

Sunday, September 26, 2004

List-26 sept!

ok....just lost the whole blog i wrote coz the power just went!!! so i doubt i am going to re-write as well as i had done earlier, but the point is, i have been thinking of things, n never get arnd to do it coz either i forgot or i simply dont have the time!!!!
so, i hope by putting it down, i will hopefuly get things done....

i think i just need to accept that i only have time to spare in the weekend, so perhaps i should not set expectations of myself to do stuff during the week when i dont hv the time or energy to do so.... i am just setting myself up to feel, WILL STOP SETTING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION FOR MYSELF - n this is point 1!!!!

* being realistic and setting goals accordingly
* gotta start drinking more water
*lose weight - there i have said it, now i gotta do something abt it!
* follow up and COMPLETE the prg i have signed up fr, fr wt loss!
*come up with some exercise plan i can follow without cheating on it!!!
*Join a bk club - hv sent request, lets see whether i get invited - if yes, GREAT, if not, gotta sign up fr an online club - + share this idea with debs
*start carrying my camera arnd agn.....
{the other day, at work, saw this beautiful sight, a butterfly resting on the white wall, with the sunlight falling on her through the glass window and a potted plant underneath her.... it was breathtakingly beautiful in its simplicity... and i could not capture it coz i wasnt carrying my camera...a definite regret :-( .....}
*read the unofficial biography of Madonna.... been a little slow with it in the past.... so, gotta got on with it....n not lose the thread... otherwise will have to read it all over agn!

hmm... .this is the LIST for now.... looks long but its real simple stuff... lets see what i manage to do though!!!

Saturday, September 25, 2004

john denver + blah....a lot

John Denver - timeless good music... it occured to me tonite, while i was listening to 'Annie's song' - i have heard this song millions of times in the last few (2-3) years and it still has something special about it... it touches somewhere soo deep inside of me... i guess i had forgotten in all the running around my crazy life has become that there is such a thing as 'Beautiful' music.... it makes me want to be a poet again...and write some :-)

now, thats ironical, Poetry writing has always been difficult for me.... n well, guess its like what my professor told me, my writing is too 'sylvia plath'...heheeee.. not that i am as good..but in terms of that it is very biographical... probably thats why writing - prose or verse is something which is a close held secret..something i am afraid of putting down for fear of another reading it and well.... i guess however chirpy i may be i have another layer to my personality which is quieter, and private..... actually, i like the duality of my nature... many people judge and presume people .. but i personally find it fascinating how opposite traits can and usually do integrate inside a person to create that UNIQUE mix called and known as YOU!!!!

well, i wonder what life has in store, i have swung wildly in my approach... from being one who used to plan well in to the future by day-dreaming (offcourse) and to now, when life has put me in a place where i am taking it literally 1 day at a time.... n i am not living in the moment and being spiritual... but more my emotions and my brain - neither can handle more than 1 day at a time...well, as they say, FULL CIRCLE - i am pretty much back to where i was.... and the only difference is that i am older... more mature - i hope so, a little more battle worn - definitely.... direction less - yep... and i guess hurting a little too.. i guess when u build too many dreams on the basis of 1 factor in life..and then that factor changes............. and it changes your life and i guess a little YOU as well forever.

well, I know that though i am on Square one.. i am definitely stronger for it..... and this is what i need to remember, LIFE is ALL about LESSONS.... accept, learn and move on :-) {if only, it was that easy}.

but, ya, now i KNOW MYSELF better......and that is sooo i hope to give myself and my life a CHANCE... something which i think i deserve........

phew.... that's a lot of blogging for one time...........but i think it makes some sense!!!!

well, another weekend already, i still remember last fri when i blogged..... well, axn plan fr this weekend is also pretty much the same: sleep, complete project, n this time catch a movie.. probably go for 'bourne supremacy' - the 1st part was good.. so hopefully so will this be!

until tomorrow............. when hopefully i will Blog some more :-)

Twenty to Go. - another nice blog

Twenty to Go.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

as i promised myself, wld take out some time to BLOG this week.... well, status over weekend - work done, sleep caught up, no good stuff on TV .... I have been thinking, when all this is over, probably by around march 2005... then i will go on vacation - a 1 FULL month vacation... maybe even quit my job n just hang in the air.. direction less n see where my thoughts and life..or is it destiny, takes me.... so, to take this vacation thought further, i am thinking, mayb i can finally follow my dream of going to Sikkim and visit the monastries.... i just need to do some reaearch on google and get my facts straight n then plan...... n hopefully, by march 2005 - financial restraints will not be so restraining!!! heheeeheeee, and so i can go for a HOLIDAY!!!!
ah, and my comp.. its ok, though working on the net was difficult... will need to get the comp chkd up or something,,,, until then will have to rely on my lovely comp at work!!!!
gtg now, back to work, my team is waiting for me......... later....

Saturday, September 18, 2004

well, just been working real hard this week.... real long hours...i think its finally caught up, been meaning to BLOG all week... but have not got around to it... even now, i am writing coz i must else i know it will bug me... maybe over the weekend i will log on n blog some more while enjoying some java :-)

well, looking forward to the weekend... finally have my very own comp... waited real long for this one.. its not top of the line, but it will serve my needs very nicely :-)

will BLOG more going forwards....................i HOPE!

so, AXN plan for the weekend:

- Work on the outstanding projects this weekend

- catch up on my sleep (this is priority!)

- hopefully catch some good stuff on TV!!!!

*** well lets see what is the status on monday!!!**********

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Lost in the woods

Lost, soo lost. it's like being in the woods, without a clue as to which way is north, where u r standing or where you want to go! leave alone where life is pushing you!!!

Life is about pain and i have felt that very deeply... guess i dont need age to have depth of feeling... sometimes i can feel my very soul crying... !!!!

Friday, September 03, 2004

Growing up

I am growing up, i can feel myself changing... this is something i am truly grateful for:
1 - the ability to change
2- the ability to be conscious of changes and my own rhythms
i dont know what my gifts are, but i feel my truth coming to the fore, i feel that 1 of these days i am going to come face to face with myself....
i think along the way i forgot myself, and my core being - perhaps thats why life gave me 2 tight slaps, to bring me back - connect with myself - to stop lying to myself that i can adjust with any life.. for the fact is - I AM WHO AND WHAT I AM -and i have my DREAMS and i am not apologetic for it, and i dont think i am going to give up so damn easy on them.. i dont think life is about bending over, being flexible - ya sure, but not letting the world or even those close to you walk all over you!!!!
well... i think i am going through a transition period - it is difficult but i find my sight becoming clearer....

well.. until more revelations, and changes in perspectives... .god speed to me :-)