Thursday, September 30, 2004


well, after everything, all that life has made me go through..i am still an emotional yo-yo..... sooo damn PATHETIC.... n getting carried away...some cute guy.. n u r like aha... n then what... nothin... nada.... n u feel so damn silly, i mean its not like i am in school that i am having silly crushes..... ohhh..... damn n bul sht....

well, i am hopefully gonna pull out with atleast my esteem intact!!!!
but, i feel pretty silly, y... probably just my way of feeling... just feeling.. like a human being... like mayb someone might want me too... but this is sooo silly, i dont even kno him n well, i dont want to get into anything.... n anyways i just wanna b free...n JUST BE... FLY for some time.....

my life is MINE.... i lost that somewhere along the line and now it is time to FIND it again... spend some time - both quality and quantity with myself.... afterall, i need to know myself... understand and through that understanding CONTROL MYSELF!!!!

These days i often find myself looking up to my friend debs... she has her own share of shit, but through it all she doesnt lose sight of who she is, what she is... .she knows what she can live with and what will make her unhappy, so where she can make a choice she makes the choices that are BEST for her.....
when, will be sooo sensible and smart n in command of myself?????

CRAZY --- thats how i feel, and its sooo SCARY..... DIRECTIONLESS is not something i want to be.... some good times are up ahead --- i am sure, well atleast its what i gotta tell myself if i have to get through life..... but, sometimes i seriously wonder what is this life about? lessons/ hurt/ what????

well, so anyways, those good times are in the future.. but it is the present i am battling with.... what is going on? i cant seem to get a grip and settle ...... i dont know what is all this chaos supposed to achieve in my life? what great things will come of it???

y is wanting a simple life - a peaceful life sooo difficult????

i mean now i dont kno if i want the traditional stuff in life!!!

i came across this in a mail...i think it makes sense... perhaps i should meditate on it!!!

If you look at what you do not have in life, you don't have anything, If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.

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